When a Family Says "You're Too Young": Earning Trust Around a Child

He had a shoebox of business cards from therapists, coordinators and practitioners, and his mum kept it on the kitchen bench as a sort of scoreboard.

Every card was someone who had come into his life, asked him questions, written a report and left. Some stayed a few months. Some came twice. He had learned to watch new adults carefully and give them very little.

So when a new practitioner arrived, early in her career, his mum looked her up and down and said, "You're too young. I don't trust you."

What "you're too young" often means

A newer practitioner messaged me with almost exactly this a while ago, gutted. Here's what I told her.

That comment is rarely only about age. When a parent says "you're too young", listen for what might sit underneath:

•         Tiredness. They've retold their child's story so many times.

•         Fear. Getting it wrong has real costs for their child.

•         Loss. People keep coming and going from their child's life, and their child feels every goodbye.

•         Hope. They want this one to be different, and they're scared to want it.

Age is often just the thing they can put words to. What they're really asking is, "Will you see my kid, and will you stay?"

What to say back

Resist the urge to list your degrees. Resist the urge to retreat into your shell. You can't argue someone into trusting you.

Try something like:

"You don't know me yet, and you don't have much reason to trust me. I understand that. Let me show you over time."

Then keep that promise.

The boring stuff, done incredibly well

Trust with families, and with the child, gets built through small things done reliably:

•         Turn up when you said you would

•         Remember the small thing the child loves, and ask about it next time

•         Follow through on the thing everyone else forgot

•         Call when you said you'd call

•         Tell the family when you don't know something, then come back with the answer

For a child with a shoebox of business cards, each of these is evidence. He's watching to see whether you come back. Every time you do, you become a little less like the cards in the box.

The parent may also be right that you still have things to learn. You're new, and you can say so. Families tend to trust that honesty.

What organisations owe new practitioners

Trust can't rest on a new practitioner's shoulders alone. Organisations have a responsibility to match the right practitioner with the right child and family, and to wrap support around people early in their careers. That includes:

•         Regular, good-quality supervision

•         Senior clinicians who are easy to reach

•         Caseloads and complexity matched to experience

•         Space to ask the "silly" question before it becomes a clinical problem

•         Gradual exposure to harder work as judgement develops

A new practitioner should be allowed to be new without being left alone. That protects the practitioner, and it protects the child from yet another person who burns out and leaves.

What to do this week

If you're new: pick one family on your caseload and do one boring thing incredibly well. Remember the detail. Make the call. If you're a parent: tell your practitioner what happened with the people who came before. It helps them understand what they need to earn.

Common questions

How do PBS practitioners build trust with families?

Through consistency, honesty and follow-through over time: turning up, remembering what matters to the child, and doing what they said they'd do.

Can I ask for a different behaviour support practitioner?

Yes. Families can raise concerns with the provider, and a good provider will talk through options, including matching a different practitioner.

How are new practitioners supported at Bespoke?

Through supervision, mentoring, easy access to senior clinicians and caseloads matched to experience.

Start your career with support

If you're a new practitioner looking for a team that wraps support around you, visit our careers page. Families thinking about behaviour support can talk to us before referring at intake@bespokebehaviour.com.au.

Stories in this post are composites, shared with details changed to protect privacy.