“They Are Just Doing It For Attention

One of the most common things I hear in my work as a Positive Behaviour Support practitioner is, “They’re just doing it for attention,” or “That behaviour is so manipulative.” It’s tempting to jump in with a correction—to explain that all behaviour is communication, that seeking attention (which I reframe as connection) is a fundamental human need, that what looks like manipulation is often a learned survival strategy.

For a long time, that was my instinct. I wanted to shift the narrative, to help families and support teams see things differently. But over time, I started to wonder—am I actually helping? Or am I unintentionally shutting down a conversation before it even begins?

I’ve realised that by immediately challenging these statements, I might be missing something important. Instead of trying to shift their perspective right away, I now try to understand where they’re coming from. What does “manipulation” mean to them? What emotions are behind their frustration? What’s their experience of this behaviour, day in and day out?

This approach hasn’t always been easy. Sitting with someone’s frustration, fear, or exhaustion without rushing to fix it is uncomfortable. But I’ve found that when I step back and make space for these conversations, we uncover so much more—real insights, real solutions, and real change.

Now, instead of correcting, I ask questions. “What does this behaviour bring up for you?” “What patterns have you noticed?” “How does this impact your relationship?” These questions don’t dismiss their feelings; they make room for understanding. And from that place of understanding, we can start to create support strategies that actually work.

I’m curious—how do you balance the instinct to educate with the need to listen? Let’s talk.