Behaviour As A Grief Response

In Positive Behaviour Support, we’re trained to look at behaviour through many lenses, most often trauma.

And that’s super important. Trauma leaves fingerprints on the nervous system. It shapes how people feel, react, and relate to others.

But sometimes, what we’re seeing isn’t trauma.
It’s grief.

Grief that doesn’t look like tears or silence.

Grief that manifests as yelling, shutting down, pacing, clinging, or avoidance.

It might be grief for:
-A parent who’s no longer involved
-A sibling who moved out
-A favourite support worker who stopped showing up
-A routine that used to make the world feel safe
-A version of life that felt more stable, more possible

We’re often trained to ask “What happened to you?”

But we also need to ask:
“What have you lost?”
“What are you mourning?”

Because not all dysregulation is fear.
Sometimes, it’s longing.
Sometimes, it’s sadness with nowhere to go.

And while PBS is often framed as skill-building, at its heart, it’s about meaning-making.

It’s about seeing the person behind the behaviour, and recognising that not all wounds come from danger, some come from absence.

So the most supportive thing we can do sometimes?
Not a strategy. Not a prompt.

Just being there. Quietly. Gently. Without trying to fix it.

Because holding space for grief is support.